I don’t seem to be able to stop my legs from shaking since yesterday. Don’t seem to be able focus on things at hand. Can’t think clearly or at all for that matter. I have been profusely googling for past several hours as it just might be able to tell in a snap of finger, like it does for every other problem, to the question What does it mean to turn 25?
I have always understood that time is the scarcest resource at our hand, that irreversible, unidirectional, unceasing 4th dimension that we have no control over, yet, at other times I couldn’t have cared less. At times ambition has driven me to believe that entire world is mine for the taking, while, at other times every effort seems to be facile. I have always wanted to be an individualist, yet, at times I have wished for an ideal society that I can be a part of. I have always thought that an overall life mission would have been great to make sense out of everything, yet, at other times I am more than happy with utter freedom to do what suits me best for the moment. I can gladly accept suffering for a meaning, still, I will be in denial in favor of seeking gratification. I have always tried not to be dependent on anyone, still, I hope that I can find that unassuming person and can completely drop the guard. I have always wanted to believe in happiness of a singular existence, yet, more often than not I’m trapped in dark corners of loneliness, isolation and depression craving for companionship.
At this juncture, It seems I’m more and more reevaluating my past, present and future. Sure enough, I have done few things which I’m proud of. Solved few of those challenging problems. Got published. Won few medals. Pushed myself to stand tested on my own rigorous standards.
But, is that it? What is the meaning of it all? Where does everything adds up in the bigger picture?
I don’t know man! No one else seems to know either.
Life is what you make of it.
The thing is, more than anything else, I don’t want to regret anything as my future self. I want to make good and bad decisions but, not, regrettable decisions. It feels like, I am choosing one of the roads, at a divergence, every single day without knowing which one leads where, hoping at the end of my journey I’ll be at a desirable place.
Realistically speaking, out of total number years I’m going to live, I have already used up 1/3rd, out of which I don’t seem to remember those initial 10 in the first place! As the years keep whizzing past by, I’m more and more dreading the end game. It seems crystal clear that in upcoming few years, I’m going to peak out mentally and physically and then everything is going to go downhill. There are just too many things to try out in one mere mortal life span. This entire idea scares the shit out of me.
I thought, in time everything will just come to me but, do they ever?
Just like House says,
Time doesn’t change anything. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.
So, I have decided that I’m going to take things into my hands more actively. I am proud to possess this unfaltering physical form of mine so, I’m going to take care of it everyday. I’m going to put effort into achieving things that I wish no matter how absurd they might seem to myself, let alone to others. I’m going to try to create more meaningful relationships with people I admire and fill the void by reaching out first rather than waiting for them to make the first move and miss out on them all meanwhile. I’m going to acquire as many experiences as possible humanly. I might very fail miserably, but, I’m going to try.
I’m going to seek what makes sense to me and leave my mark on this world because,
I do not want to go gentle into that good night.